Dear Messrs. Smartypantses (Jerry Bonkowski, Dan Beaver, Ricky Craven and Bob Margolis): As this year’s season of Fantasy NASCAR winds down, I want to thank you all for your so-called “experts” picks. Boy howdy, do you all know how to blow a fantasy cylinder. Ricky Craven nearly “used up” all of his Jeff Greens, for Chrissakes! If it is any consolation to Ricky, he is just as terrible at Fantasy NASCAR as he is at real NASCAR. I love the photo you all use of him. Is he wearing Kasey Kahne’s firesuit in it? Gross.

Let me tell you, such a thing would never happen over in Yahoo! league ID number 4726. In fact, next year I suggest that be where the experts go before they stick their heads up their butts looking for an extra Jimmie Johnson to run. There’s only nine of him to go around, Craven, but then again I am sure you are used to Jimmie Johnson “going around” you on the oval, too.

With just two races to go, Ricky would be 8^th in my fantasy NASCAR league.

Jerry Bonkowski is one smart dude, but I think Bonkowski suffers from overthinking a bit. Bonkowski (I just love saying that) would be 15^th – back there with our own C-List of loser owners who check their lineups only about twice a week.

That gives me an idea for a movie – I’m calling it “The Big Bonkowski.” It’s going to be about a Fantasy NASCAR analyst who doesn’t give a shit about Fantasy NASCAR. A bunch of Formula One enthusiasts mistake him for someone who cares about American racing and urinate on his favorite rug.

That brings me to Dan Beaver. Dan would be a respectable 5^th place in League # 4726. No real bone to pick with Dan, except for the fact that I have never seen him attend a NASCAR race. That means if he does actually go to the events rather than solely concentrating on the endless calculations, number crunching, push-ups and praying to Our Lord Jesus that it takes to be competitive in our league, then he doesn’t sit with the real people or BBQ in the parking lot or piss out 18 Miller Lites behind the open passenger door of a 2004 Chevy Silverado 1500.

Bob Margolis. Now there is a real redneck motherfucker I have seen at a race. You may currently be tied for 5^th in our Fantasy NASCAR league, but you’re welcome to prove your mettle any time you like. I will send you the sign-up info next year.

Beaver – I suggest you make yourself more visible in 2008, starting at Dover, to earn the same invitation. Here is how the four of you can tell you will never be among the elite of Fantasy NASCAR League ID Number 4726: when Dale Jr. decides he’s too lazy to try to rebuild an engine in 27-laps-time and get out there to make enough laps to gain three positions, or when you give Reed Sorensen a shot and he rewards you by turning the #41 Dodge Avenger right instead of left, or when Kyle Busch drives like an asshole – practically forcing Tony Stewart to teach him a life-threatening lesson… when all that happens to your Fantasy teams… you KEEP WATCHING THE RACES. Real Fantasy NASCAR experts get mad and throw things and cuss and shut the TV off, leave the race, or incite a regrettable charity benefit confrontation with Mike Helton. Man, that dude is tall and mean.

So, in closing, I’m feeling generous. If you want me to get my boys together and run a fantasy Fantasy NASCAR “camp” for you “experts,” you all know where to find me. Until then, you better slap an Autism Speaks sticker on your mouse and just try to hang with us at Phoenix and Homestead to salvage your season and your pride.

Bonkowski – you just might be looking at a picture of me next year when you check out what the “experts” have to say.

Yours very truly,

Every 2007 Yahoo Fantasy NASCAR Player