Despite the fact that Dale Earnhardt, Jr., left DEI after the 2007 season, the hauler drivers for both Earnhardt and Truex are still battling for supremacy on the nation’s highways.

“Some things just haven’t been settled yet,” said Curly Wingnut, driver of the Budweiser #8 hauler. “I still try to do my race team proud, even though I’m the only one left.”

Hauler racing is a point-to-point competition from track to track that coincides with the Cup season. Traditionally, the first driver to arrive on the infield and shotgun three cans of Miller Genuine Draft is awarded eighteen points, or “wheels.”

Albie Archer, who drives the #1 Bass Pro Shops hauler for Martin Truex, Jr., says the competition in them runs deep. “Few fans recognize the intensity that runs all the way through this sport. Hauler drivers are some of the toughest competitors on any circuit in racing.”

Budweiser will continue to sponsor the #8 hauler as long as Wingnut maintains his slim lead in the DEI wheels points standings over the Archer and the Truex team.

One hauler racing fan told Blackflaggedonline: “In some ways, Curly’s at an advantage. Sure, he’s still driving a big rig hauler, but that thing is as empty as Kenny Wallace’s noggin.”

The weight advantage is offset, however, by the sheer loneliness Wingnut must feel in the cab and a crippling lack of crew support. “He’s got to open his own snacks on the road and pick out his own truck stop pornography. These are things a hauler driver usually has some help with.”

The sport has matured thanks to innovations such as the Trucker Bomb, enabling competitors to save valuable time on the road by urinating into empty half-gallon milk cartons which can then be discarded on the roadside. Bread Bags marked another revolution, saving drivers time by capturing a pesky turd in a plastic Wonder bread package and slinging it out the window.

Original fans of the sport will remember the tragic Bread Bag Debacle of 2001, in which Dale Jarrett’s longtime friend and hauler driver Speck Hardington tragically underestimated the water content of his feces following a quick meal from Taco Mamma’s in Abeline, Texas. The resulting mess was so disgusting that sponsor UPS reportedly considered abandoning its longtime slogan, “What Can Brown Do for You?”

“No question, this is a dangerous sport,” Wingnut noted. “But there’s honor in it, and I aim to see this season through.”

You’ve got our admiration, Curly Wingnut, and our respect. We’ll keep the passing lane clear for you.