Dear Dan Beaver,

I am writing on behalf of race fans and Yahoo! Fantasy NASCAR devotees everywhere when I ask you to stop putting Hendrick motorsports drivers into your fantasy lineup. I am extremely worried you are going to kill one of them in the weekly wrecks that bear an uncanny similarity to your “predictions.”

At Daytona, you put Jimmie Johnson in grave peril — and you did it for a mere 48 fantasy points. Next week at California, you made the unforgivable error of starting Casey Mears at the Auto Club 500. The cringe-inducing result was, of course, a Junior-Mears smash-up. I hope the eight fantasy points were worth it to you to see the 88 AMP car done for the day. But last week takes the cake. You darn near killed Jeff Gordon by sending him spinning into the only wall at Las Vegas not covered with trusty SAFER barrier. An accident that was no accident, I am beginning to suspect.

I see with fear and trepidation that Dale Earnhardt Jr. is in your lineup this week. I don’t know what you have against poor little Little E, but I am urging you to reconsider and but Biffle or Kyle B to good use instead. Whatever God has against your fantasy team, he is definitely taking out on the drivers of Hendrick Motorsports.

The first couple of weeks I could chalk up to coincidence and just generally-poor fantasy instincts, but last week has given me a bad feeling I cannot shake. There is some bad ju-ju haunting the Dan Bearver dba Media fantasy race team, and I implore you to have the karma police take a look at your team for you.

It’s not like the extra pair of eyes on your fantasy team could hurt matters. I mean, you’ve totaled 685 points for the season. Ricky Craven is whooping your fantasy ass, for Chrissakes. Ricky Craven! The last time he did a donut it had a cup of coffee with it. When the green flag drops, he stops to pick it up. When you tell him to put the pedal to the metal, he stomps on the brake.

I know, I know. You are a fantasy “expert.” I’m nobody compared to you. I’m sure you’ve proven your mettle in hundreds of fantasy NASCAR leagues that are so exclusive that I’ve never heard of them. In my non-expert Fantasy Yahoo league, however, you’d be rocking 24th place, 227 points out of first.

I hope you get help, Dan Beaver, I really do. I fear for NASCAR if you don’t. You can’t continue on this destructive course. What will it take for you to stop? Jimmie in traction? Jeff G on a ventilator? Do you want to see the last bit of photogenic knocked out of Junebug’s face? Please Dan, put the mouse down and walk away. You’re hurting real people out on the track.

But that’s not all. When I tuck in my kids at night and we talk about NASCAR, they always look up with their sleepy eyes and tell me, “when I grow up, I’m going to be a NASCAR fantasy expert, Daddy!” And I always say, “all right, boys, but you have to finish high school first.” Then as I close their door so only a shaft of the hall light shines into their bedroom I think about you, Dan Beaver, how you’re bringing shame on the fantasy prognostication profession and your sick vendetta against the champions of our great sport.

I hope you find it in your blackened soul to change your evil ways, Dan Beaver. I truly do.

Sincerely,

A friendly fan