Shoo whee! What a NASCAR season! We finally have parity in NASCAR. Come to think of it, thanks to the geniuses at Black Flagged Online we also have “parody” in NASCAR. Well, you know what? I ain’t sure either one of them is a good thing. In fact, I know parody in NASCAR is a bad thing because of the fools running this here circus, but I never thought I would see the day when I would be so disappointed to see parity in NASCAR. Oh sure, I was screaming my head off about how boring the Chase was last year when Jimmie Johnson was winning races with so much ease he could have done it in reverse — now I take it back.

Let’s take a quick look at what’s happened so far this year. Ryan Newman wins the Daytona 500. Yippee! Nothing I love more than sitting in front of the tv for four hours to be rewarded with a Ryan Newman victory. That’s about as exciting as eating paper while watching water evaporate. Carl Edwards wins back-to-back races. If I wanted to see back flips I’d go to my daughter’s gymnastics class. Oh, but he cheated, doesn’t that add a little drama? If I got all worked up over cheating I’d get back with my ex-wife. Kyle Busch puts a Toyota in victory lane for the first time. Where do I start there? Sunglasses big enough to see into the future, wild and crazy guy that Darrell Waltrip says can go four wide all by himself, hardy har har, those jokes write themselves. Well, thank goodness for Jeff Burton. Nothing against the guy, but — like he says in the State Farm ads — we ain’t going anywhere until you all put your seat belts on. I ain’t going anywhere with you, Jeff Burton, except to sleep. And I don’t mean I’m going to sleep with Jeff Burton, I mean Jeff Burton gives me some mighty heavy eyelids.

What else do I have to look forward to this season? A little Mr. Excitement Dave Blaney? Ooh I got it, maybe a little David Ragan? That would be nice. Oh wait, what if Jeremy Mayfield won a couple?! We should be so lucky. The excitement is killing me! While we’re dreaming big here how about a couple more Michael Waltrip commercials thrown in for good measure? Maybe more gopher cam naming contests? Mike Helton on Dancing With The Stars? My goodness, the possibilities are endless. It’s so exciting to think about all the other ways NASCAR can get ruined! Hurry up and let’s have some animals race too!

Now I know what ya’ll are thinking, you’re thinking “Hey Fat Sandy, you hate seeing the same guys win week after week.” You got me there, but there ain’t no rule against being right twice in a row. To be honest, I said some stuff yesterday that I wouldn’t dream of saying today. Take that girl from the bar last night for example, I’m certain I meant it yesterday when I said I’d call her again but today I’m definitely not going to.

Sure I grew a little tired of Jimmie Johnson and Jeff Gordon last year and begged the NASCAR Gods to get a couple of other guys get to Victory Lane, but come on. They say be careful what you wish for. Point taken, NASCAR Gods. Joke’s on me. I never thought you would take me seriously. To be honest, I wasn’t even sure you all heard my prayers. I mean, I’ve been praying for that Derrick Cope championship for a long time now.