Through the gap between the fingers covering his eyes, Evan Grote watched the laps wind down at Martinsville on Sunday. As the white flag waved, Grote reached for the remote control of his HD digital cable and did the unthinkable. He paused the race, preventing a Denny Hamlin victory and stopping the final official scoring loop from registering Dale Earnhardt Jr.’s 6^th place finish.

“I know it’s not fair that I should pause the race and prevent anyone from winning, but it’s just as unfair that Dale Jr. wasn’t going to bring home the checkers,” Grote said without even a hint of remorse.

Meanwhile, a disturbing scene at Martinsville unfolded as the 41 cars remaining on the track instantly became stuck in a state of suspended animation.

Kyle Busch gingerly stepped from his car — stopped mid-fishtail right in the heart of Turn 3 — as other drivers similarly sized up their odd situation. Only wily veteran Robby Gordon remained in the drivers seat, flooring the accelerator and maniacally gripping the steering wheel in hopes that Grote was just going to the fridge to get another beer or taking a quick cell phone call from his girlfriend, Shasta.

Gordon’s spokesperson told blackflaggedonline “That’s just the quality of driver Robby is; he’s seasoned and ready for anything. Maybe he can’t set the clock on his VCR, but he sure as shootin’ knows how to race on digital cable.”

High up in section 235, race fan Bobby Gingerton knew exactly what had happened. “Oh man,” he cried, “Some jackass paused the race.” The entire bleachers let out a collective groan.

As the surreal image of a victory-bound Fed Ex car slowly burned into the pixels of his 50-inch LCD television, Grote removed the two AAA batteries from his remote control and disposed of them in separate trash cans.

“I’m with Junior, and that means I’ll do anything to help him win,” Grote stubbornly insisted. “Some fans buy Wranglers, some drink Amp, some make sure his website gets lots of hits. I pause races.”

NASCAR president Mike Helton shrugged his massive shoulders at the news. “I want Dale to win races just as bad as anyone. I feel real bad that, between the new car design and the rule changes, we haven’t been able to get the 88 and all of its sponsors to victory lane. But this kind of guerilla action is unconscionable. I just have this to say to young Evan: He has my committment that Junior will win a race this year no matter what it takes. We’ll add races, we’ll disqualify better drivers, we’ll give the 88 a head start. Keep the faith, Evan. Keep the faith, and give us plenty of notice before you push play again.”