Shockwaves were sent through the racing world as news leaked on Saturday that a woman allegedly bested her male competitors in an actual race, in actual cars. The news created a frenzy of excitement from fans of racing citing the positive effect on the sport and an uproar from fans who decry the win as nothing more than a publicity stunt that went too far. Because the alleged incident took place in the foreign land of Japan where communications technology is far less sophisticated, details of the incident are vague. According to legend, a female named Danica Patrick actually got behind the wheel of some sort of open wheeled racing contraption in Japan as part of something known as an IndyCar Racing League event and crossed the finish line before any other driver. An ongoing investigation has yet to turn up any clues as to how the woman snuck past security and took a seat inside the car. 

Drivers and crew are being questioned as detectives are trying to determine just whose girlfriend Patrick is. A source close to the investigation who requested anonymity said “Right now we don’t know much about what actually occurred but what we do know is that a woman cannot beat a man in a race in any sort of automobile. That’s scientific fact.” Investigators are looking into a number of leads including the possibility that Patrick is actually a long haired male or the vehicle was controlled remotely by a man.

While Patrick became an instant media darling, appearing on countless news shows across the globe, some familiar with racing met the news with skepticism. “I’ll never forget where I was the moment I heard this wonderful news,” said NASCAR driver Juan Pablo Montoya. “I was playing cards with bigfoot, the easter bunny and the loch ness monster. A woman winning a race?! Give me a break.” Others simply chalked the news up to marketing. “Big deal, a desperate move from a desperate racing series. They oughta call it the Pigs Flying Series,” said Han Cornblossom, NASCAR Director of Gender Supression. “Some soccer mom in a mini van beat me off the line at a stop light this morning. Am I gonna read about that in the paper tomorrow?”

Despite the negative comments, race fans around the world celebrated with Patrick as she became the first woman to ever win a major event in the modern racing era. Conspiracy theorists however, claim that the conspirators went a little bit too far. “A woman winning a race? Ok, maybe I can believe that,” said Cornblossom. “But she’s hot too? Come on now, I’ll believe a lot of things but this is getting goddamn ridiculous.”