Mark Martin isn’t in the catbird’s seat like last season going into Richmond.  Still, the racing legend and his crew are hoping to get things back on track this weekend after discovering that the radio interference preventing them from conversing on the track was caused by the LifeAlert transponder Martin wears around his neck.

“The Subway Fresh Fit 500 was really the last straw,” a crew member told us.  “The chain on Mark’s LifeAlert broke and the thing got stuck under the gas pedal.  We all kept hearing this awful squelching in our middle ears and ambulances kept showing up at the track.  There were probably 50 ambulances on the scene by the end of the race.”

The U.S. Army team is going to chuck their headsets this weekend in Virginia and use the LifeAlert system exclusively to give Martin guidance on the track, talk about issues with the car, and conduct their strategy.

LifeAlert operators are standing by to relay Martin’s instructions to the crew:  “Senior drivers need special attention out there on the road, and we’re going to treat Mr. Martin’s distress calls the same as any other.  Let’s face it, when he’s out on the track he’s a typical sack of wrinkles behind the wheel: he doesn’t signal his lane changes, he waves all the faster drivers past him, and he likes the young’uns to pump his gas for him so he doesn’t have to get out of the car.”

Martin, who likes his crew to smear the inside of his firesuits in BenGay before each race, may have another advantage this weekend — he’s taken all of the air conditioning equipment out of the 8 car.

AARP confirmed that Martin wouldn’t be needing the fresh air, asking, “have you ever been inside an old person’s house?  It’s usually a furnace in there.  In fact, most Americans don’t really age and die — they just cook in their own homes.  All Mark really needs in that car is a steering wheel and a nice hot cup of decaffeinated coffee.”