After this week’s race at Darlington, NASCAR rookie Sam Hornish, Jr. stepped out of his dinged-up racecar to feel something mishy, mooshie, fresh and squooshie in his undershorts.  Further inspection revealed the uncomfortable sensation to be caused by the dreaded Darlington Stripe.

Earlier reports of Hornish enjoying the Carolinas‘ finest Mexican food at Paco’s Tacos cast an uneasy pall over the driver’s tiny fan base.  “I been to a lot more races at Darlington than Sam Hornish, Jr., and I know better than to take on Paco’s famous taco meat of unspecified origin — especially if it’s 500 laps to the next pit stop.”

Experts agree that the Stripe is most likely to strike rookie drivers at Darlington, and they should prepare for the race with special exercises, like walking down the center line of their local interstate at 2:00 a.m. and standing in a doorway while a friend repeatedly slams the door into the right side of their body.  Most important is that drivers not eat or drink anything 12 hours before the race.

An unspecified driver could be heard whimpering from behind one of the portable stalls: “The cars just go so fast, and they’re so close together, and it’s noisy and — damn — that was a new pair of race undies!”