Have you happened to take a look at the Tallahassee Commuters Cup Rankings lately? Admittedly it’s somewhere near the bottom as far as racing circuits are concerned but nonetheless, the name Otis Featherbean graces the top of those rankings. I don’t have sponsors and I have to do my own pit crew work unlike some of my fellow commuters. But what I lack in fancy pants frills, I make up in pure skill and love of the sport. See that bus up there blocking the lane? You better decide what you want to do. Should you press your luck and see if it pulls out of the way before you get there or switch lanes and risk the race losing prospect of someone impeding your path by turning left? One thing I do know is that while your feeble mind processes the outcome of each move I’ve already passed you on my way to the Victory Lane of my parking garage. Better luck next time. I know each and every turn. I am a master of the timing of all the stop lights that litter my route. I know which gas tank at the Sunoco provides me the easiest access to allow for the fastest pit times. It’s my home track and quite frankly I haven’t met a fellow commuter that can beat me.

I make the rules here. Blow past me on the straightaway? You’re nothing but the lucky dog to me pulling around to the rear of the lead lap cars. Do you have a muffler problem or expired plates? I’ll black flag you so fast your head will spin. I run a tight ship around here. Follow the rules and we’ll be fine. Just don’t expect to win. You might end up with a respectable top 5 finish. But I’m undefeated in my commutes and that ain’t gonna change. I may be a loser from 9 to 5 but from 8:35 to 8:55 I’m a winner. I think I might be ready to test my mettle against the best race car drivers in the country. Someone give me a chance.

Doubt my skills would translate to the Sprint Cup Series? Consider this, one time I was sitting in miles of traffic outside the Atlanta Motor Speedway. I’m digging it out and fighting for my life for each and every position I gain. I’m cutting left and then cutting right back in front of you just as you wonder what happened to the car that was directly behind you. It happens that fast. Anyway, I was navigating my way through the Atlanta gridlock when I see Jimmie Johnson right next to me. Jimmie’s messing with the radio, talking on the cellphone, basically making critical mistakes and opening the door for me. When he gives me an inch of room between his car and the one in front of him I pounce. See my license plate Jimmie? That’s right it does say PASSD U. Fitting don’t you think? Jimmie lays on the horn and pulls onto the median to pull up and get a better look at the driver that bested him this day. Guess what Johnson, no going below the line to make a pass, take your penalty and like it fool. You may think you have the upper hand on me but we both know you are a lap down and I am the better man on this day.

You see Johnson, I’m a road racing specialist. Not the road courses you waste your time on. With no stop lights, blue hairs, or cops, I’d say you all have it pretty easy. If my commute into work each and every morning featured only left turns and high banks I’m fairly certain I would dominate that too.

This goes for all you drivers out there. Consider it an open challenge. I’d like to see you test your skills on the way to North Florida Office Supply and see if you can beat me. Let’s meet at my house one day next week and have it out. You name the day. Every day is race day to me.