Rumors swirling about Tony Stewart purchasing the Haas racing team have been replaced with the real truth behind Smoke’s racing moves.

“Tony ain’t buying no Hass race team — he’s buying a Wii!” NASCAR insider Otis Featherbean told blackflaggedonline. “He’s leaving the Sprint Cup for the Mushroom Cup, and if I were one of those perennial Mario Kart forces like Waluigi or Baby Peach, I would literally be shaking in my 50cc Wild Wing go-kart.”

Some of the toughest criticism of Smoke’s decision has come from frequent Mario Kart race spoiler Blooper, the pesky octopus who sprays ink all over a Karter’s windshield.

“There’s no caution flag when I drop fluid on the track or Donkey Kong drops banana peels all over the super slalom course,” Blooper said. “Tony Stewart is going to have to make some serious adjustments.”

Featherbean countered that Stewart is a natural for the 12-Kart races in which bumping and, in some cases, driving over your opponents is standard practice. “Tony can only wish he had a POW Pound at Texas or Atlanta, but on the Luigi Circut it’s standard practice. Tony always drives like he’s got Star Power. In the right light, you can see that Smoke has been training for Mario Kart Wiii since before the game was even concieved.”

100cc motorbike specialist Yoshi is looking forward to racing Tony Stewart on two wheels. “Yerp,” Yoshi said, before his long, sticky tongue got wrapped around the handlebars of his minibike.

For Smoke’s part, word on the street is that he is building a 20-foot fence in his family room to climb when he conquers the field at Shy Guy Beach or Wario’s Gold Mine.