Dear Tony Stewart,

I hear congratulations are in order and that you are on your way to team ownership.  What a big move.  You must be excited.  I’m excited for you and wanted to write you this letter.  Unfortunately due to my fear of losing sponsors, employees and what is left of my pride I would prefer to remain anonymous.  I hope that doesn’t bother you.  While I won’t tell you who I am, I do want to tell you my cautionary tale of team ownership and bid you fair warning.  It ain’t all it’s cracked up to be.  While I dreamed of checkered flags, my reality is black flags.  I dreamt of burnouts but all I got was my engines burning out.  Instead of smoking tires, I’m blowing out tires.  I can go on and on but I think you get my point.  

I get that you want to own something.  You want to have a legacy.  You want more money but believe me Tony, this ain’t the way.  Why don’t you start with owning a couple of Subway franchises?  I’m sure your buddy Jared would come by for the grand opening.  I’ll even come by too.  It’ll be a great time.  No?

How about this?  You go a little more ambitious and open a couple of Smoke 20 BBQ joints.  Now that’s an idea.  I might even do that myself.  I can see it now you can buy a van and a couple of grills and sell BBQ at the track every weekend?  My point is, why not start small?  Restaurant ownership can’t be easy but team ownership ain’t either.  Believe me I know.

I’m going to shoot you straight here Tony, ownership sucks.  Don’t believe me?  Let’s say for instance you want to own a house?  If you own your house you know what I’m talking about when I say it’s nothing but a pain in the ass.  Sure it’s a good investment but hell if the gutters need to be cleaned or the hot water heater goes out ain’t nobody there to take care of that stuff but you.  What a hassle.  I’d say it’s better to rent especially in this market.  Own a car?  More trouble than it’s worth.  I’d lease it.  Leasing is essentially what you’ve been doing at Joe Gibbs Racing all these years.  Got a little engine trouble or some faulty brakes take that puppy back to the dealership and they’ll get her up and running again in no time flat.  It’s not your problem you’re just leasing it.  When you own that car outright you own all those problems as well.  Catch my drift?

At least you got all your sponsors lined up.  Glad to see that.  Yeah, I got sponsors too but unfortunately sponsors don’t make you go faster.  They do let you do some pretty sweet commercials if you’re lucky.  But my advice to you is to go slow with the commercials.  I’ve seen the Armor All ad where you are frozen outside the 7/11 and staring at the car.  I don’t think that’s all that funny to be honest.  You may want to get a brother and do some ads about him wanting to race your car and you hilariously tell him that he can’t.  You can milk that one for all it’s worth.  It never gets old.  Plus you get to show everyone that you’re so much funnier and better looking than you’re brother.  Everyone just loves him and thinks he’s so great.  Just take a look at him in my commercials.  Who’s so great now America? 

I remember the good old days before I decided to pack up and head to the lofty heights of team ownership myself.  There I was, winning Daytona 500s, and makin’ just about the funniest commercials on tv.  Look at me now.  I mean, imagine if you could look at me now.  Since I’m anonymous you don’t know who I am but just imagine a guy that thought team ownership with a sweet new deal from a foreign car manufacturer looking to break into NASCAR.  Got a good mental picture of that guy?  Why don’t you throw a nice overly styled head of black hair on top there.  Ah, that looks good don’t it?  Man, I can’t get over that.  I look damn good.  You know Tony, you’ve got the hair to pull off this style.  It won’t look as good as mine but hell you slather a little gel in that mop of yours and we may be on to something.  You could even sell Smoke wigs at your merchandise trailer.  Actually that’s a pretty good idea, I’m gonna look into that.  Anyway, now that we’ve got the visuals down, imagine that guy two years later when someone else signed a deal with that same foreign car company and is their sweetheart because they can’t seem to stay out of Victory Lane if they tried!  Now no one at that foreign job will return your calls and you just lost one of the greatest drivers ever on your team to the broadcast booth and you’re stuck with some poor kid that can seem to tell the difference between a steering wheel and a ferris wheel.  Jesus, I’ve made a horrible mistake. 

Granted, Stewart-Hass Racing has a nice ring to it but so does gonorrhea, that sounds like something really kind of nice but from everything I’ve heard it aint.  When is the last time you heard Scott Riggs talking about what a great car Haas Racing gave him after a race.  Sure Tony you’re no Scott Riggs but a car is a car is a car. 

So, let’s say you go through with this hair brained idea and actually end up owning part of that team.  I’ll bet you a NAPA gift card that one of my boys wins a race before one of your boys.  Whattaya say?  How about this?  Things go well for you over there why don’t you give me a call.  I could use some pointers. 

Signed,

Anonymous