Hey boys, Buttercup Weatherspoon here with the latest edition of Jorts Center, your go to guide for all things fashion at NASCAR races.  Since we are reaching the end of summer I thought I would turn our attention to the holy grail of NASCAR fashion, jean shorts.  You would think that jean shorts or “jorts” are engrained into our fashion senses so deeply that we don’t need a special report but think again.  It’s time to rethink everything we know about jorts.  We’ve gotten lazy when it comes to jorts.  We are all guilty of going to the store and buying our jorts off the rack.  That’s a major no no!  True jorts are homemade.  I know, I know, no one has the time or the energy to make their own jorts anymore.  But trust me, nothing feels better than slipping your bare legs into a pair of homemade jean shorts.  The sense of pride and accomplishment you feel in your jorts will be second only to how good you look while wearing them! 

Without further ado, let’s turn our attention to making some jorts that will have all the tongues wagging during the remaining dog days of summer.  Woof woof!

I need to make one thing clear before we start.  This is much more involved that taking a pair of scissors to your jeans and simply making a cut.  Do that and you’ll face someone saying “Look, that guy made his jorts.”  We don’t want that do we?  We want someone saying “Look, that guy MADE his jorts!”

With any project we need to address safety first.  Before we begin, take off all your clothes.  We don’t want to accidently cut any of our high fashion attire to try and make more high fashion attire.  But, we also don’t want to accidently cut any of our “equipment” so put on an apron.  It provides enough cover in front to protect your equipment, you don’t have to worry about your clothes and the open air back provides ample escape room for any accidental release attributed to physical exertion.  Secondly, don’t run with the scissors.  No one looks good in stitches.  And lastly, be careful not to cut those jorts too short.  You don’t want one of your boys wandering out of the yard when you sit if you catch my drift.  Those bleachers can get pretty hot after baking in that hot august sun all day.  Third degree burns where the sun don’t shine can ruin a good time for anyone.  If you have that burning desire to show as much thigh as the law will allow, then you might want to consider wearing a jock strap to make sure the boys stay home.  A jock strap is equally functional at keeping things secure in your jorts as well as wearing around the house when doing chores. 

When you make your incision you don’t want to make a straight line across the leg.  Just think of straight as a dirty word.  Nobody likes straight.  Straight is boring.  Cut them with a little flair.  Cut them short and then take a couple of vertical cuts creating some tassels.  You’ve all seen the bikers with the tassels hanging off their jackets and blowing in the wind.  It’s the same concept.  Just think about how great you’ll look running away from that group of angry men that mistook your innocent wink for a come on.  I also like the shark bite look.  Take your scissors and cut a jagged chunk out of one leg.  It’ll add that edge of danger and mystery to you that gets all the hearts a’ flutterin! 

Ever think about designs on the pocket?  You should.  When is the last time you saw a nice little design cut into the pocket?  The answer is never.  Be original.  Cut a little heart in there.  You may want to place a colored bandanna in the pocket to really make that design pop!  Also, I like to write a little message on the butt of my jorts just to give all the boys and girls that are checking me out a little something to remember me by.  Mine are bedazzled to the hilt and say “Hello Delicious!” across the back.  A nice little message scribbled on the butt in lip stick screams “Kick Me!”  Ouch!  I’d prefer a spanking.

Most people think that jorts should be worn beltless.  Well you had better buckle up because I’m here to tell you that this season has been all about accessorizing your jorts.  Rope is so last year.  This year, why don’t you try a little ribbon and tie it in a nice big bow up front?  Too much for you?  How about a little barbed wire or an extension cord?  There is no wrong way to belt your jorts.  The only wrong thing to do is miss the opportunity to accessorize.  

I’m almost out of time but I need to address the burning question I always hear:  button fly or zipper?  My response is why do you need a fly at all?  They only get in the way and can lead to nasty accidents. 

Remember boys, don’t make that fashion faux pas that we see all too often.  Never ever wear your jorts after Labor Day!  I know they feel good but save yourself the embarrassment.

Too da loo!