Jimmie Johnson walked away a little too quickly with a nice trophy and a fistful of points from the Pepsi 500 on Sunday, where he led 227 of 250 laps. Not so fast, Jimmie Johnson.

“Nobody’s THAT good at California,” said Auto Club sergeant-at-arms Wiley Bumwheedle. “That Jimmie Johnson sumbitch was turning laps two miles per hour faster than second place. And did you see the groove that feller was runnin’? NOBODY runs that well in the middle of the track… not on my watch.”

Before Johnson was allowed to leave California, Bumwheedle conducted a full postrace inspection of the 48, but found only a handful of loose change under the seat and two extremely dizzy Hispanic stowaways. Then, in a highly unusual move, Bumwheedle inspected Johnson himself, uncovering only a pocketful of glamour shots of the driver standing next to Dale Earnhardt, Jr. and an unbreakable comb.

“How many races he done won before this one? None? Somethin’ stinks to high heaven about this,” Bumwheedle said, “and I am going to find out what it is.”

Turns out, he didn’t have to. NASCAR was equally suspicious of Johnson’s lap times, and has docked the driver 150 championship points for “obviously” cheating.

“I’ve determined that we don’t actually need to find out how Jimmie Johnson was cheating at the Pepsi 500,” said Mike Helton’s moustache. “The proof is in the pudding, well it was before I ate the pudding, anyway. Jimmie is a fine guy, but he was ultimately betrayed by his own success. Did you see him? He was faster than Kyle Busch! No one is that fast — not without a little cheatie cheatie somewheres.”

Wiley Bumwheedle is vindicated by the decision, and bought the whole saloon a round of sasparillas to celebrate. “Serves Jimmie Johnson right, if you ask me. I hope he’s learned his lesson from all this. You come to California — you let Greg Biffle win the Pepsi 500 like yer ’sposda.”