Dear Single NASCAR Drivers -

My friends and I were sitting around last night drinking wine coolers, smoking Marb 100 Menthol’s, talking about NASCAR drivers and their wives and I began to think about it… I can become your Trophy Wife!!!  That’s right, I’m offering my services.  How tough can it be?  What do TW’s actually do?  Look good on your much-shorter and way-less-attractive-than-you husband’s arm, shop for clothes that will “look good at the track,” go to the spa from Thursday to Saturday in exotic places around the United States like Watkins Glen and Dover, go to the plastic surgeon every couple of years, “work” on Sundays by kissing you before you get in your car and perch atop your pit box during the race giving advice to your crew chief. Oh, and nail the pool boy.  Hey, wait a minute! I actually am more than qualified for this position.

My Stats: I’m 42, 5’ 3 1/2, blonde with deep brown roots and a poof for bangs, 176 lbs, men frequently tell me I’m skanky (I don’t know what that means, but I am guessing it means hot) and I have wicked long and thick legs.  Put your hand on your chest. Ok, that’s where my legs will START on you.  Now try to wrap your arms around your chest.  That’s how thick they are.  You ready to get married to me yet?  If not, keep reading.

Most of the time you can find me in a dive bar tossing back strong whiskey and cheap beer. You will find me sitting next to the jukebox rocking out to Whitesnake, Bon Jovi, Motley Crue and other assorted super awesome 80’s bands.  I’ll be the girl who’s drooling slightly & giggling at the massive pile of empty beer bottles I’ve managed to accumulate.  I can work a room like no other – leaving everyone saying “Who the hell brought THAT girl?”   It’s the kind of instant recognition you’ll want from a crowd who sees you with me and goes, “Whoa!”  And when you don’t want the spotlight on you, I’m more than capable of diverting the gaze of NASCAR nation right over to my thigh boots and purple lipstick.

So basically I can assume the Trophy Wife position for any driver regardless of age or looks – starting immediately.  All I need is a  no-limit Amex in return for my many “services.”   I’m truly priceless. 

So, that’s me, and I’m serious…  Come and get you some.

Here’s to me wishing one of you delicious bastards would reply to this letter!  Cheers!

Sincerely,

Rhonda

Disclaimer: My horniness will be in direct proportion to your income. Testimonials, references, nude pictures furnished after a thorough review of your financial statement, last 5 years tax returns, portfolio and number of Top-10 finishes in the past five years.