Law enforcement agents nationwide are still recovering from a spike in auto accidents following a boring race at California featuring little contact.  Across the nation, NASCAR fans took out their own mailboxes and traded paint on their morning commutes just to see a little excitement.
April Post proudly showed us the […]

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NOTE TO RACE TEAM PIT CREWS:
February 27th, 2009
This is to remind you of our discussion at team meetings earlier this week. Pit Crews are reminded that the infield care center is NOT an STD clinic and you will not be allowed to get tested for any STD because of […]

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Dear Mike Helton:
On behalf of the Rousch-Fenway Racing’s #17 USG Sheetrock/DeWalt Ford team, we respectfully request you cancel the rest of the 2009 NASCAR Sprint Cup Series schedule and declare a champion based on the points standings as they are today. Our crew members voted last night, 15 to […]

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As Mike Helton’s Mustache stood at the podium answering questions before this week’s race at Vegas, he was stunned to find out that Michael Waltrip Racing has two of its drivers in the top 12 of the point’s standings.  “Wait, what?!?!?” bellowed Helton’s Charlie Chaplin.  “Well I’ll be damned.  I thought […]

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Every Wednesday we will tell you how awesome I am at Fantasy NASCAR no matter where I am in the standings and how the competition tries to stack up.  So far this season isn’t looking to good for Mr. Featherbean but I am willing to take a few ribbins’ from the group […]

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Kevin Harvick’s consecutive races completed without a DNF ended last night when he failed to finish the Auto Club 500.  Harvick’s night ended early when his car slammed against the first turn wall with 43 laps to go marking the first time in 82 races that Harvick failed to finish a […]

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The most extravagant event of Hollywood’s award season, the Academy Awards, occurred last night but an unfortunate scheduling conflict put the event head to head against NASCAR causing the two events to compete for the coveted prime time television viewing audience.  NASCAR and the Oscars both compete for the exact […]

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NASCAR nation was turned on its head Wednesday when long exiled older brother of Mike Helton and the rightful heir to the NASCAR presidency, Doodad Helton returned from hiding to reclaim his spot as President.  Doodad, who was banished from NASCAR by his brother Mike after the younger Helton’s controversial rise […]

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TIME MACHINE WANTED: If anyone has a time machine I would like to borrow it for a few hours.  I want to try and travel back in time to February 15, 2009 around 6:00pm EST to give myself a message to either A- Get in front of Dale Jr. or B- Slowly […]

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Man o man do I remember my younger days.  I used to be the cool kid on the block, hanging out with all the youngsters and what not.  I remember the good old days when Casey Mears and Kyle Busch and I used to turn laps together.  We were young and […]

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When Punxsutawney Phil emerges from his hole each February 2nd, he brings with him a prediction on whether we will have an early spring or six more weeks of winter.  That information all hinges on one simple thing, does he see his shadow or not when he emerges from his den.  […]

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Sorry it took me a few days to get this up.  It’s taken that long for me to shake off the cobwebs and realize that I am no better than Dan Beaver now than I was at the end of the season last year.  But don’t fret BFO fans, 28 of you […]

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With a rain storm approaching and the possibility of the Daytona 500 being called early on account of rain, Dale Earnhardt Jr. did the unthinkable on Sunday by putting his own interests aside and causing “the big one” 30 laps early.
“Can you imagine a Daytona 500 without the big one? Neither […]

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After carefully adjusting his plastic hair bonnet to shield his hair from the rain, NASCAR President Mike Helton called Sunday’s Daytona 500 on account of rain showers with only 48 laps to go to the checkered flag.  The move, which led to widespread criticism from NASCAR fans, was one of necessity […]

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A whole mess of folks is all tied up with that new fangled Facebook thing on the Internets nowadays and we are no different.  Seems to me that this is as good a way as any for folks to avoid talking to one another so of course we jumped on the […]

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