NASCAR nation was turned on its head Wednesday when long exiled older brother of Mike Helton and the rightful heir to the NASCAR presidency, Doodad Helton returned from hiding to reclaim his spot as President.  Doodad, who was banished from NASCAR by his brother Mike after the younger Helton’s controversial rise to the coveted spot of NASCAR President, did not reveal his whereabouts while in hiding and announced his plan to oust little brother Mike from his position of power over professional motorsports.

“For far too long, little Mike been ruling NASCAR with an iron fist,” said a coverall clad Doodad Helton.  “I reckon it’s bout time we get some new Helton blood into NASCAR’s ruling body.”

Doodad was long thought to be the NASCAR President in waiting by many observers at the time.  But through what Doodad calls “trickery” and “legal mumbo jumbo,” Mike Helton was able to skirt the official process of seating a new NASCAR President and claimed the thrown for himself.  NASCAR’s bylaws strictly state that “only a pure blood Helton can control NASCAR.”

Mike Helton’s coup was made possible by exploiting the language contained in the bylaws.  Mike Helton successfully argued at the time that Doodad was unfit for the NASCAR presidency because he injected himself with a vial of blood from each of several NASCAR legends including Cale Yarborough and Bobby Allison.  Official documents filed at the time of Doodad’s exile reveal that the older Helton brother, in an attempt to thwart his brother’s bid for the Presidency, injected himself with the blood of other racing royal families to make himself more fit to serve as NASCAR President.  The act backfired on Doodad when Mike successfully argued that by mixing his blood with foreign blood, Doodad was no longer a pure blood Helton and thus unfit to serve. 

“All real Helton men have long hair and full flowing beards,” said Doodad.  “Look at Mike.  He got a haircut like a banker and I don’t mean to throw stones but Mike couldn’t ever even grow the beard.  He was self conscious about it.  That mustache is fake.  Go give it a yank.  You’ll find yourself holdin’ a mustache in your hand I guarantee!”

Doodad stopped short of saying his brother Mike has been a failure at his presidency but admitted that he thinks he could do a much better job by taking NASCAR back to its storied past. 

“Mike ain’t been all that bad of a President but I think I’d be better,” said Doodad.  “His biggest shortcoming is that he went all big city and took NASCAR away from its roots.  All Mike cares about nowadays is Mike and the rich folk he loves to rub elbows with.  I seen him drink wine one time and it wasn’t from a jug.  It’s a travesty.”

Doodad, while criticizing his younger brother, did admit that Mike got a few things right.

“At least the drivers all live in trailers when they’s at the track over the weekend,” admitted Doodad.  “No one can argue that that ain’t keepin’ true to the roots of NASCAR.” 

Doodad explained that the list of grievances he has compiled as evidence against his brother’s rule include Mike’s insistence on developing the Car of Tomorrow when he should have been focused on reverse engineering the Car of Yesterday, the development of lucrative television deals to broadcast the races nationally and perhaps the most egregious of the claims, racing in the city. 

“I was watching the picture tube last week for the Daytona 500 and Mike was wearing a suit,” said Doodad.  “Can you imagine such a thing?  I done bout fell outta my lawn chair.  At least it wasn’t a dress but that can’t be far behind.  Mike’s become sissified.”

Mike Helton did not agree to be interviewed for this story but through a representative, insisted that he does not have a brother named Doodad.  Not one he claims anyway.