Law enforcement agents nationwide are still recovering from a spike in auto accidents following a boring race at California featuring little contact.  Across the nation, NASCAR fans took out their own mailboxes and traded paint on their morning commutes just to see a little excitement.

April Post proudly showed us the black strip on the left side of the Chevy Impala she borrowed from her ex-husband on Wednesday night.

“I can’t tell you I didn’t enjoy the race,” she said.  “I just enjoyed pushing that Festiva over the center line of the highway a little more.”

Now, disgruntled fans are flocking to Lost Wages this weekend to watch some NASCAR, and they want to see some smash-’em, crash-’em racing action.

“Personally, I miss the days where a driver was taking his life in his own hands just by looking at a race car,” said longtime race fan and death enthusiast Jerry Bullshit.  “Now you have all of these lanes and everyone is aero-tight all the time and engineering crapola and sheeeeeit.”

Jerry BS, like other race fans, was nonplussed by the seventeen-lane racing at California last week that only resulted in one contact-related yellow flag.  He sent his Ford Monte Carlo on a hard right into the soundproofing wall on the side of I-10 on Tuesday just because he missed seeing sparks on the track.

“We’ve got all kinds of good ideas suggested by race fans,” said Mike Helton’s Moustache.  “Greasing the race track, that’s a pretty frequent one.  Yanking one component out from under the hood of every competitor before the pre-race laps is another. 

 ”My personal favorite is the thought that we could actually put ejectors under the race seats — like those robot boxers got under their heads, you know — and at the slightest bit of contact with the wall or another car, one or two of them would send their drivers hurtling into the ionosphere and their cars spinning into the stands.  That would really help our ratings during a difficult time, improve driver safety, too.”

We asked Mike Helton’s Moustache if perhaps he had considered going to double-file restarts that put lap-down cars at the back of the field.

“That’s lu-dic-rulous!” the moustache exclaimed.  “Someone could get hurt, son!  Ain’t you never seen a number three before?  Gol durn you ignorant fool!”

Our fan Jerry BS doesn’t know how to solve the problem, but he’s pretty sure it won’t be fixed by Las Vegas.

I’m actually more excited about losing my last paycheck at the sportsbook than I am about watching the race.  That’s sayin’ something, becuase I got my last paycheck in November.”