First off, I don’t know if you’ve heard the news, but a gigantic government stimulus package is coming our way.  (This is how the American government is so effing awesome by the way — we’re never short of cash.  Take that, Iceland!)

As always, Mike Helton’s moustache is on the ball, releasing comments for the first time today about the shape of a stimulus package for NASCAR.

“These being the blue years, with all those excitable Democrats up in Washington, billions of dollars are fixing to fly out the door.  However, all that free money is going for is peace gardens and mandatory abortions, and none of it is tagged for hydrofoils on Lake Lloyd or white paint for Darlington.  We’re going to have to get creative,” said Mike Helton’s moustache.

NASCAR, which for years has been forced to operate out of a trailer at each race site, is looking to get into something more permanent.

“Personally, I’d like to settle down at the track a little, get a house nearby and maybe snap up a few of these foreclosures near “work.”  It’s embarassing to bring a driver into a trailer to discipline him,” Mike Helton’s Moustache told us.  “It’s like, why should I be taking crap from this guy in a trailer?  I can’t be authoritative in that kind of environment.  A nice three-bedroom house with a pool would be much, much better.  Then I could say, come on in, relax, can I make you a nice drink — you reckless son of a bitch, when I tell you you can’t pass on the left on pit road I mean it!”

The Stache had a few more ideas for the stimulus…

“We’ve got underpasses at lots of these tracks, and drivers hate them.  Let’s build some more overpasses at the tracks.  Fans don’t mind, and it’s a good use of American steel!”

“People forget there’s a lot of medical crapola in the stimulus, too.  We could easily use another two million to finish Joey Logano’s upper lip follicle implants.”

“And I take issue with all of this money for General Motors in the stimulus bill.  What about Chevrolet, people?  General Motors never did squat for NASCAR, but Chevy’s been there from the very beginning.”

“Those folks up in Washington need to be less worried about balancing the budget and more worried about balancing tires.  There’s rubbers for teenagers in this bill, but there’s no Dr. Feelgoods for Michael Waltrip!”

“Speaking of Michael, we also ought to be funding the alternative fuels research that man’s been doing.  He’s a genius — and his Daytona experiments in 2008 are still talked about by catch-can men the whole length of pit road.”

“I know I am not alone when I tell you I want to be able to watch NASCAR races from space.  The blimp is very 20th century… let’s see what Martinsville looks like from a satellite.  I’ll bet even Osama would come out of his cave to watch that shit.”

“And last but not least, I sure do want some extra money to take on that Victory Junction Gang.  Those are some scary dudes, and NASCAR is absolutely no place for organized crime.”