Phonics experts scrambled to prepare Brad Keselowski for the media following his 1000-to-one victory at Talladega on Sunday.  The only discernable English phrases rookie Keselowski has been known to utter thus far are:  “That barrier came outta nowhere,” “Me like pretty ladies,” and “Brad drive fast car for you sponsor him!”

The “W” sound is notorious among phraseologists for its difficulty in pronunciation, usually among two to four-year-olds encountering the letter for the first time.  Keselowski was given a speedy crash course in the end-of-alphabet letter by linguistics coach Johannes Burkenburble.  “I hate to skip ahead like this, but with Keselowski it was absolutely essential we get to the ‘w’ sound.  Win, Weekend, Wowee, and Whew are all fundamental parts of the post-race interview.  I don’t know if Brad could have made it through his 20 seconds of tv time without a quick intervention.”

“I wuh wuh wuhs really glad to wih wih wihn today,” the newbie forced out under the blinding glare of the tv lights.

Further complications ensued when Keselowski was hastily signed into the Coca-Cola Family of Drivers sometime between Car Edwards’ spectacular choke job and the finish line, during the approximately 1.8 seconds in which Keselowski led and won the race.

A Coke rep handed Keselowski an open one liter Coke Zero bottle, and the winning driver rewarded him with a blank stare.  The Coke rep made a tipping pantomime motion with his hand, which Keselowski eventually interpreted as a signal to sip the contents of the plastic bottle.

The driver, who has tasted little more than river water and the mother’s milk of the wolves who raised him in his 25 years on this earth had a severe reaction to the carbonated soda.  “Golly-whillikers!  What in the *()?% is this bull$^!+ pee juice yer givin’ me to drink!?!?!!?  I’ll go wild on yer #$$, city boy!!!!!”

It wasn’t a total disaster, Burkenburble noted with a smile. “If you notice, he got three w’s in that statement!”