Dear Bobby Labonte, I hate you:

My dearest Robert, I know it has been a while since we last spoke.  In fact we have never spoken, but I have sent you letter after letter and in the world of stalkers that means we are basically married.  Throughout the years I have been your #1 fan.  I was ready to introduce you to my parents.  “2000 Winston Cup Champion” is how I would defend your honor when my friends told me you should retire.  I was going to remain your #1 fan for life.  That was until I attended yesterday’s suck-off at Dover between you and the rest of the D-Listers like Tony Raines, Scott Speed and David Gilliland.

I don’t understand it.  You never finish higher than 11^th or lower than 35^th.  Yesterday at Dover you started 27^th and after the first round of pit stops you were actually in the Top 10.  Somehow, you ended up finishing the race 3 laps down!  You are what the teenagers call a “cock tease” and leave your fans with “Blue Balls.”  Well Bobby, I am no longer going to relieve myself because of your inabilities to finish a race off.  I’m going to find a new driver who can satisfy my NASCAR needs.  It is time that I go to ASK.com to find out “What NASCAR driver should I cheer for now because my favorite driver leaves me sad and depressed on Monday mornings?”  Consider this my last letter to you.

I know it would be easier for me to say it’s not you, it’s me.  But in this case it is you.  You’re not good anymore.  This situation does not make me very happy. I find myself clinging to this relationship like an old blanket or my old favorite Interstate Batteries shirt. Just because it’s comfortable cheering for a past champion knowing he will have a guaranteed starting spot if he is out of the Top 35 doesn’t always make it the best choice for a stable relationship.  I looked deep into my heart and realized you are not the driver of my dreams.

Breaking up is hard to do and it is not fun, but neither is cheering for your favorite driver to finish the race on the lead lap and accepting that as a good day.  Our relationship has gone downhill since 2003 and it doesn’t appear to be getting any better. Mending a broken heart is not easy but it can be done.  And I think it can be healed by someone who has at least some chance at winning a race.  Who knows where this relationship could have gone, but for now I am going to have to say goodbye.

Sincerely,

Your last remaining #1 fan

PS – Tell your T-Shirt design people to get back to me, I still have a few ideas.