Upon learning it’s now safe to take your kids there, NASCAR fan Randy Rotgut is loading up the family truckster and taking the whole clan to Michael Jackson’s Neverland Ranch instead of going to the Chicagoland race this weekend.

“We’ll have hit three of the four Lands after this!  Neverland, Chicagoland, and Graceland.  I doubt we’ll ever get to Disneyland.  It’s ‘spensive,” Rotgut said.  “We’ve already hit all the Woods: Hollywood, Dollywood and The Woodrow Wilson National Historic Birthplace.”

“What about Bollywood?” we asked Mr. Rotgut.

“Yeah, Dollywood.  I said that one first.  Sheesh.  Listen up, young fella.”

Rotgut’s children expressed a great deal of excitement that they may in fact see one of the surviving Jackson brothers at Neverland Ranch. 

“We could see Tito or Jermaine… that would be so cool!  Much cooler than seeing Kurt or Kyle,” they said.

Neverland has always been a safer place for young girls and boys than Chicagoland, where a flying beer can or a cousin who just got out of prison could seriously ruin a small person’s day.  Now, Rotgut says, it’s no contest.

“Shoot.  Chicagoland makes a day game at Wrigley look like a meeting of my grandmother’s sewing circle by comparison.  I just don’t feel safe with my kids there. First off, I don’t want them seeing any unspeakable acts.  Second, I don’t want them describing any of my unspeakable acts to their mother.  They’re 14 and 16 now, so the young ‘uns have a pretty solid vocabulary these days.  Word could get back to the homestead.”