Dear Bobby Labonte,

I couldn’t help but take note of your 43^rd place finish in last Sunday’s race at Michigan.  It made me yearn for the days gone by when Bobby Labonte’s name meant something to NASCAR fans and was synonymous with championships and greatness.  Those were the days.  A 43^rd place finish wouldn’t sit well with the Bobby Labonte I think I know.  But it did get me thinking.  Does the great Bobby Labonte yearn for the past like I do?  A 43^rd place finish is a little too coincidental to me.  Were you trying to recapture the days when you piloted the #43 car around the track?  Was this an effort to be #43 once again?  Those days are gone Bobby.  It’s time we focus on the here and now. Don’t worry, as always, I’m here to help.

Let’s dig into your current situation for a bit.  You now drive the #96 car for Hall of Fame Racing.  Now that the finishing touches are being put on the NASCAR Hall of Fame, we have to get you in fighting shape for your induction ceremony.  But before we do that, we have to make Bobby Labonte proud to be Bobby Labonte again.  Let’s start with your number, 96.  One time during a family vacation my old man and I had to share a bed.  During the night my old man awoke to me clinging on to his back like a tick.  Rightly so, he woke me up and explained that it’s ok for two men to sleep hole to hole or pole to pole but not pole to hole.  Think of the 96 as sleeping hole to hole.  Sure it ain’t as cool as being the #69 but as long as you are in the #96 car you are a reminder to me of the wise words that have saved me from any embarrassing situations when faced with the situation of sharing a bed with another man.  For the record, I don’t make it a habit of sleeping in close quarters with other men but being secure in my sexuality I will do so when faced with no other option.  However, should you like to share a bed with me for the sake of feeling safe or keeping warm, you are always welcome. 

Now that we’ve got you feeling good about your number, let’s move on to your sponsor, Ask.com.  I visited your sponsor’s site and asked ‘why can’t Bobby Labonte win a race?’  I found an entry that posed that very same question.  Actually it asked if Bobby Labonte will ever win another race but that’s close enough in my book.  Looking at the answers provided, I was convinced that maybe winning a race is out of the question so let’s do this, how about we shoot for second.  That’s a fine goal.  Finish second all year long and you’ll have yourself another championship.  So, let’s get started on that right away. 

Well Bobby, it had been quite some time since I had written so I hope my letter finds you well and my advice is well taken.  You should know by now that all my advice is given to you with the best of intentions in mind. 

Sincerely,

Your #1 Fan that’s not related by blood