TRADIN’ POST

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TRADE — I am willing to trade my TV for any TV you got that Dale Earnhardt, Jr. wins races on.  He can’t do diddly on mine… It’s like losing the Lotto over and over again.

Hi, my name is Clint Bowyer.  If you got any championship points jingling around in your pocket, I sure could use ‘em about now.

Did anybody else hear those folks at ESPN call this the Chase to the Race for the Chase?  Just wunnerin’.

WANTED — I need me some barbells, protein shakes, and an introduction to Charles Atlas so I can stand up to Carl Edwards.  I also need a dry pair of pants on standby.  That’d be a great help.  Kyle B.

TRADE – I am willing to trade my newly purchased Beer Goggles.  For some reason they only work for me on Friday and Saturday nights and Sunday’s during the race.  Willing to take a pair of regular sunglasses.

FOR SALE – NASCAR Race Team might be for sale if the right price is offered. We have the most famous name in motorsports and a winning tradition. We recently let our best driver leave via free agency and I have run the business into the crapper. Will take best offer. Call Teresa.

Wanted – Anybody out there who Haas any Tony Stewart gear. It haas to be in fair condition. I think he is going to be with Joe Gibbs Racing for the rest of his career and I want to get as much memorabilia as I can. I’ll take whatever you haas.

Willing to trade 150 NASCAR Sprint Cup Driver points for a $150 gift certificate to Bass Pro Shops. Email: pcarpantier@yaho.com

Rivets — get ‘em while they’re not hot! (That’s a rivet joke!) My name is Sam and I am shit-tired of putting pieces back on to Michael Waltrip’s car. I’m selling all my extra rivets — but I’m keeping my rivet gun. It’s an antique.

For Sale — glue — it’s lost its smell, so it’s no use to me, but it’s still glue. I’m glad to sell it to you or trade it for glue that’s still got smellum on it.

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Wanted — we are plumb out of white paint. Please contact Darlington Raceway.

Driver available! My name is Tony Raines and I am a professional driver, currently unemployed. I’m ready, willing and able to drive your kids to school, take you to work, get you to prom and home again safely, or just drive you to your errands on the weekend. I’ve got trunk space, sort-of, but you will need to provide your own passenger seat.

I hardly never do the top button of my jeans no more, so y’all’s welcome to come with your best offer for it. It’s silver and shiny and it says “LEE” uppy-side down. Struck me the other day I oughta get something for it. Ask for Wanda.

I’m looking for a yield sign I can put at the entrance to Turn 3 at Darlington. It just needs to be big enough to catch Tony Stewart’s eye. Elliot S.

Illiteracy Lessons! Feel too smart to fit in at a NASCAR race? Do your complete sentences confuse track officials and fellow tailgaters? We can help! Break your multisyllabic bad habits with our patented process and get immediate results. Order a turkey leg or a coffee without having to point at the menu. Get to the end of your bleacher row without starting a fistfight. You’ll love NASCAR even more when you can unspeak the language!

4 Sale — two perfectly good doors for a Chevy Silverado (one driver side, one passenger side) slightly pee-stained after Bristol tailgate.

Desperately Seeking — someone to explain to me what the f an “open wheel” is.

Limited Edition Sunoco Gasoline — supplies limited by global competition for fossil fuels — get yours today — $4 per gallon.

Manuscript for sale — A few years ago I wrote a fictional screenplay about an aging NASCAR driver named Jeff Burton who came out of nowhere to win a Sprint Cup race just when everyone was starting to think he was totally washed up. I’m willing to unload this literary masterwork for cheap.

Best seat in the house — I fly airplane advertising during most of the races on the East Coast and it occurred to me that I have an extra seat up there. See all the action out a tiny pressurized window from 2,000 feet. Free small bag of pretzels. Call Duane.

Cable services needed — I’m looking for someone to uninstall all the channels on my tv except Speed, Fox, TNT and NBC.

4-SALE - Wife Beater T-Shirts worn at every Dirt Track in the Northeast this past summer - NO PIT STAINS!!! Best Offer

BEER 4 SALE — I passed out before I could finish my second 30-pack of Natural Ice beer this Sunday. The old ball and chain is giving me crap about the mess and the ice in my bathtub is starting to melt. As a result, I’m accepting your best offer for this here beer. Opened items are half-off.

I’m looking for some silky Size 12 Ladies’ pajama bottoms, preferably with the lady still in ‘em. Ask for Rothy.

LOST — One large Daytona trophy, shiny with a shellacked wood base and brass nameplate. Please “return” to Joe Gibbs Racing, Attn. Tony Stewart. Don’t worry about the nameplate — I’m having my own made.

4 SALE or TRADE — Digital photo of Kasey Kahne’s sweet ass taken with 3X optical/3X digital zoom. Taken from Section 341, Row T, Daytona International Raceway.

OPPORTUNITY — Do you like Pit Road, Pit Crews and Pit Stains? Always dreamed of doing the horizontal boogie-woogie with a catch-can man? Hate latex? We’re looking for eligible young sexies to carry the surrogate children of NASCAR crews. Inquire before, during, or after the race.

GET YER JORTS! For one low price, I will be glad to convert any of your old blue jeans into a fine pair of custom Jorts.

4 SALE – parking lot mud from every track on the NASCAR circuit – hand-dug with attractive identification label and collectible glass vial.

TRADE – I’m tradin’ anything I own that’s got an 8 on it for anything you own that’s got an 88 on it. I’ll also barter with you for extra 8’s if you got them.

Time Share Available – if you want to go in with me for a new RV, I’m game. You can use it for the whole year and I will use it April 22-27 and October 1-5 when it will be located in the Green Camping Section of Talledega Superspeedway. I’m willing to pay a more-than-fair 4 percent of the acquisition costs.

WANTED – Someone to whip Juan Pablo Montoya’s butt American-style.

LEGAL SERVICES – Whether you fell off the roof of a faulty RV or burned the hair off your forearm because of malfunctioning tailgate BBQ coals, we’ll get you the compensation (that means money) you deserve. We also do DUI’s – Coors isn’t supposed to put that much alcohol in their beer, and how were you to know that, anyhow? Contact: Williams and Waylon, Attorneys at Law. Licensed in NC, VA, AL, TN, DE, CA, FL, PA, NY, AZ, KS, IN, MI, IL.